I would like to start today’s post with the following quote:
“We teach girls to shrink themselves,
to make themselves smaller.
We say to girls,
‘You can have ambition,
but not too much.
You should aim to be successful,
but not too successful.
Otherwise you will threaten the man.’
Because I am female,
I am expected to aspire to marriage.
I am expected to make my life choices
always keeping in mind that
marriage is the most important.
Now marriage can be a source of
joy and love and mutual support.
But why do we teach to aspire to marriage
and we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors –
not for jobs or for accomplishments,
which I think can be a good thing,
but for the attention of men.
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
in the way that boys are.
Feminist: the person who believes in the social,
political and economic equality of the sexes.”
– Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I think this quote symbolizes what many women, especially Ethiopian women may face and go through in their lives. In Ethiopia, a woman has attained the ultimate success once she has married, had children and starts her own family. Unfortunately this translates into a circumstance where Ethiopian women come to America and teach their daughters that this is the ultimate success. I am not saying that this is what happens in all families. Many families like my own teach their daughters to have ambition, pursue an education and to become powerful women. However, upon graduation day the family begins to ask: “When are you getting married” “When will you make me a grandparent”. Now many of us do in fact want to get married and live that fairy tale dream. However that fairy tale should not come at the expense of reaching a young woman’s goals and aspirations. The man you marry and live out your life with should be someone that you can live out your life goals, without sacrificing your dreams. That person should be your support system and you should be his. It should not be at a cost of losing who you are as an individual. We should always teach our daughters to feel empowered. A man may look good on paper, however he may be pure evil on the inside. Simply put, families should focus on teaching their daughters to feel empowered, to be enough with or without a man. See, when you seek the attention of a man, you will NOT get him. When you focus on YOU, the right HIM will find you. Seek out your goals, live out your life, and when the time is right the right man will come along. Settling should never be an option.
All too often, women settle for a man that gives them attention. A man that buys her things, takes her places and impresses her family. That should not be the case. The value of individual should be what draws you to a man. Material things and a flashy lifestyle are things that could go away tomorrow. You should consider who the person is on the inside. That is what really counts.
I hope that we as a community can change our tone and conversation and recognize that our women are our biggest asset and should be treated with the ultimate respect.
There are plenty of blogs and tumblrs and little funny clips that say “you know you’re habesha when..” I find these very amusing and often times find myself relating to many of the posts. Maybe I am a typical Habesha, but then again what does that really mean? Today I would like to throw it out there for my readers….What is a “typical” habesha? Do you consider yourself to be one. Or are you a combination of “Typical” Habesha and American. What do you think makes you typical. Share your thoughts and ideas here!
Eventually, every bird must leave the nest and learn to fly on his or her own. Every parent knows that this inevitable truth is coming at some point, yet they act surprised at that moment of truth. I feel as though Habesha parents seem to have a big problem with this subject matter.
All of our habesha parents seem to want us to grow up and move away from the nest. Whether it is moving out of town or out of the house. They seem to become shocked with utter disbelief when their Ethiopian-American offspring are ready to leave the nest and make a declaration of independence. Most Ethiopian Americans like myself grow up in closely knit family groups where everyone sticks together. As soon as one person leaves the nest it is sometimes thought that the child has abandoned his or her family. This is far from the truth. It is always amusing to me because it seems as though they forget that they left their homeland and went to a foreign country, on the other side of the world before they were even 18 for the most part. Parents complain about their kids sucking up all their resources, and constantly needing this or that. Then when the child is prepared to declare independence, it is as though the child has turned his or her back on his or her family. Note: this child is not actually a child anymore.
This opinion is based on my personal experience as well as the experience of those around me. I have several friends and family members that have moved away from their home towns, in search of something new. A new adventure, a new experience, following their dreams and passions. These are positive attributes where the Habesha parent should be proud. At the end of the day I truly do believe they are all proud. There is just a minor sting in their heart by the fact that their Ethiopian American child is no longer a child. A reality that we must all face.
Abataye, (My Father) is the best Dad a girl could ask for. I must say., He doesn’t hear it enough. I think father’s are sometimes under appreciated and we take their existence for granted. We often see our father’s as an enforcer ( which I do/ did). But as a young woman, I see more clearly the important role my father has had in my life.
My dad and I have a pretty awesome relationship. He is a dad, a friend, a confidant. We argue, often, he lectures me, often, and reminds me (quite regularly) who the parent in this relationship is. Along the way he has taught me to follow my dreams, work hard, stand up for myself and to never fear anything. He has taught me about life and how to remain balanced. He has shared his wisdom from his life experiences and always helps me navigate my way through the complexities of life. We have engaged in endless political, theoretical and philosophical debates. Each discussion teaches me something new and gives me a different perspective.
My father also took the initiative (along with my mother) to teach me how to take pride in my culture. He especially played a role in me learning Amharic. He insisted that we speak only Amharic in the house. He took extra effort to make sure that no one ever made me feel bad if I mispronounced a word. He simply allowed me to continue because he was confident that I would figure out the correct pronunciation. Even today, when I say a new word in Amharic he tends not to correct me. This is because he truly does believe we will figure it out and if we start to be corrected for every little thing we will lose confidence. That was another major lesson he taught me. How to be confident and fearless.
My father is also not the traditional or typical Ethiopian man. Although he tends have strict views, he’s also very much about empowering his daughters. He showed us respect, emphasized the importance of education and how to be confident. They say that the way a father treats his daughter is a reflection of the type of man a girl will tend to marry. I know my father raised and treated me well and I expect no less from my future husband. The bar has been set high and I will accept no less. Whenever anything in my life felt like it was going wrong, Dad was the one I would run crying to. (literally).
I owe much of my success to my father’s tireless efforts. He always pushed me to reach my limit and even surpass it. Whenever I was scared or had fears growing up I knew I could go to Daddy. He always some how knew exactly what to say to make whatever it was that was bothering me go away. He still does. I appreciate that and love that.
So Daddy, Happy Father’s Day! and Happy Father’s day to all the Dads out there from EthiopianAmericanGirl!
Weddings, graduations, church services, celebrations of any type are often accompanied by this: “Eleleleleelel”. The high pitch chant that we make in times of praise and excitement.
Not all of us can reach the highest pitch. Often the elders and mothers within the Ethiopian Community have mastered the art of the perfect “elelelele”. The rest of us try to make some sort of effort, and often our attempt results in a slower version of the chant. E Le E Le E Le, we say in our attempt to share our joys and take part in our cultures heritage.
Ethiopian people are joyous people. Although the country has its share of issues, We are culturally rich. We share this joy through song, dance, praise and “elelelele”‘. We are expressive people and that expression often is delivered through the beautiful sound of joyous songs and chanting. It gives us all great pride to hear that sound. Whether it is at your graduation or your wedding and your family gathers around you and says “elelele” you will feel that joy, praise, and connection with your roots.
So spread the joy, spread the love and excitement. Shout Elelelelelelelele for all to hear!
A common issue among children of immigrant parents is the use of Ethnic names. They are difficult to pronounce, hard to spell, and sometimes are the butt of all jokes in elementary school. Per the name of this blog my perspective comes from the Ethiopian American experience. I know of Ethiopians who give their children, American names, or names that are common in both the American culture and Ethiopian culture. They do this in an attempt to protect their child from teasing or make it easier and socially acceptable for American’s or member’s of other ethnic groups to pronounce. But here’s my question: What is a parent teaching their child by adapting to the American culture by naming their child something that is clearly not within the list of Ethiopian cultural names? What about the idea of having an American version and an Ethiopian version to your name? Yes , we are all guilty of utilizing a different pronunciation of our name when explaining it to an American colleague , classmate or friend. I obviously do not expect people to pronounce my name the way my mother or father intended it to be said, however I do expect people to try to get as close as possible.
After attending two graduations two weekends in a row, I realized : the person that announces the names of the graduates absolutely butchers each ethnic name. These graduates worked hard for however many years in their respective programs and at that very moment when their moment of glory and success is about to be celebrated the man/woman who is announcing the names destroys the pronunciation. Talk about a slap in the face. So what is the solution? Should parents reconsider what they name their child to avoid such humiliation? Should they make their children feel as though their name is not enough? NO!!! Here’s my opinion: Parents should name their child however they want, give the ethnic Ethiopian name, name your child after your great grandmother with an obscure name , make it super ethnic, and then TEACH YOUR CHILD TO BE PROUD OF THAT NAME. Teach your child to pronounce it with pride, explain the meaning, and make them proud to be who they are. That’s what I truly believe.
Yes, it is difficult to pronounce certain letter combinations in Ethiopian names, especially “ts” “ke” “che”, but even still- I think part of self confidence comes from being proud of where you come from, and if your parents gave you a super ethnic name be proud of it. Say it correctly let other people butcher it, don’t do the butchering for them. If you want I think its completely fine to come up with a nickname to shorten it, whatever it is you want to do, but be proud of who you are. Never change anything about yourself or your culture just to make someone else’s life easier. #Imjustsaying #ethiopianamericangirl.